4 A.M.

Part 1(Written at around 4 A.M.):
Staying up until the wee hours of the morning always puts me into a writing mood. Especially if I have some excellent music to accompany me. Tonight is a little different as I may have had a fun amount to drink. I don’t like being drunk but being tipsy makes me happy. I feel in control of my actions but I become a little more outspoken (I suppose that seems extremely average and possibly the definition of tipsy but shut up I’m new to this). Not enough that most people will notice, but enough that my friends and I do. The combination of rum and Regina Spektor creates the mood from which my following emotions flow. I’ve told myself many times over the last few weeks not to write this, but in the back of my mind I’ve still wanted to. That is usually the sign of a bad idea but the amount of alcohol I’ve had blurs the lines of acceptable and stupid. I at least want to get it down on paper (I write everything on paper first), I’ll decide if I will post it later (guess what I chose).
I wasn’t sure what to think of you when you were first introduced, I didn’t know whether or not I should like you. Over time I recognized your openness and honesty which I admire so much in people. I had a stupid disposition to dislike or at least stay adamantly indifferent to people with bleached hair. I blame someone from my past though I shouldn’t, I thought I forgave her. After a while I developed an unfortunate crush on you, drawing me into drama I’d left in my past. I romanticize and perfect you in my imagination and it destroys my ability to function alone. When I am, you appear in my mind and take over everything. I don’t even know you well at all at this point but I’m building you up to this perfection that cannot exist. I build you up to disappoint me without even getting to know you. Oddly enough I actually got the opportunity to chat with you, which is rare for me. You surprised me with your kindness and how much you shared with me. I was truly thankful for that and you actually lived up to what i had imagined. I was stunned because you turned out to be a legitimately lovely person (That sounds like a kind of dickish thing to say but hey, people tend to be dicks). Unfortunately I am a romantic goon with no control over my emotions, and you have a strong, steady relationship with a long-term boyfriend whilc I doubt will let up any time soon. This is essentially where we stand now, I don’t want to talk to you because I don’t want to fall for you and in my tiny mind I feel like I might pull you two apart and I certainly don’t want that to happen. I enjoy chasing after you in my mind and I wish I could do something outside of that but I can’t, and I won’t until I feel comfortable with your relationship status, or at least the lack there of. It sounds sort of heartless I suppose, or conceited maybe, but I’ll wait until you’re alone and then maybe we can be alone together. (Jesus that was pathetically cheesy. It was like 4 A.M. give me a break.)

Part 2(Written about 2 hours later, probably meant to be an addition to the previous essay but screw it I’m tired):

I’ve been waiting to tell you how pretty you are physically, but more importantly in personality. I’ve developed an embarrassing crush on you(every time I use that word I feel like I’m 12 years old or something. is there anything more “grown up”?) but that is unimportant. What I want you to come away with from this is that you are an exemplary person and I admire your openness and honesty. Also, I’m not sure what this includes or entails or even means, really, but I want to somehow become friends. I don’t know if I’m supposed to show you more weird and semi-useless magic cards or share stories of the sports I used to play or what, but I want to be friends, somehow.

Lastly, I’ve been chilling, listening to George Watsky. Watch this.

attle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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