Blue Skies On My Mind

I’m surprised by how often I find myself awake at 5 A.M. and have to choose between falling asleep or spend a moment writing. Tonight, obviously, I’ve decided to release a bit of emotion or angst or anxiousness or something, I’m not entirely sure. I’m simply in a writing mood. I suppose, since I don’t have a subject chosen, I will write about the next few weeks. Classes start on the 19^th, which I’m reasonably excited about. Since I decided to take classes that interest me rather than classes that I’m expected to take, maths and sciences and all that, I’ve begun enjoying school more. What? Taking subjects I’m interested in is more fun then boring classes? What a world shattering discovery. While it sounds pathetic, I feel like most kids my age still take things that are expected to learn rather than what they really want. I think this is sad though they will probably have a more successful (financially) life then me. Funnily enough the song just changed to How Lucky We Are by Meiko and the first line reads “Someday we’ll get out of this shitty apartment”. How I wish that was today. Sometimes/always I wish life skipped ahead 5-10 years so I could just autopilot to a stable life and live from there. Partly because I’m lazy, partly because I don’t trust myself, and partly because I don’t know what to do for the next few years. I want to be a teacher but I don’t know how to teach, I want to live independently but I don’t know how to be alone, I want to be different in many ways but I don’t know how to change. I also, on most days, don’t want to change, I just want to appear different to others, is there an app for that? “Open me up and you will see, I’m a gallery of broken hearts” Pandora is feeling my mood in a very timely matter tonight.

 

I kind of suddenly want to start working on another short story, ignoring the fact that I have no rough ideas or characters I want to explore. I just want some writing to work on for a while that won’t be academic. It’s been a lifelong(or like 2 year long) dream of mine to write for Valve, working on the Half-Life series. Maybe I’ll start some fanfiction sort of thing as horribly ridiculous as that sounds to me. I think instead I will call it an alternative story line. That sounds less fanboyish and will hopefully let me keep a little self respect. I think I’ll start that tomorrow night instead of sleeping. It seems like a better investment of my time. I need no sleep now a days anyways. Sleep is for the productive and the helpful, neither of which would describe my last few months, sadly. I did, however, convince myself to start cooking more often again. I’ve always enjoyed cooking and I think its probably more healthy then scrounging the fridge every day eating the same frozen food. Spaghetti w/ italian sasauge meatballs has been my recent favourite though I think I will try Chili soon. I found this website, www.cookingcomically.com that has a few(I mean very few, 4 at time of writing) things that I want to try. And of course by “want to” I mean “will”. I’m much more proactive about cooking then anything else, and I feel more productive afterwords. I’m looking for another pro-word to lead into the next subject but I can’t seem to find any. Proportions is a weird word.

 

I think while I’m in this writing mood I’m going to get to work on those letters I promised(there we go) myself months ago. I think its funny that I want to start writing more the week before class starts. For those who are unaware I’m taking 2 literature classes and a History class so I should be sufficiently busy with essays and whatnot. So hey whats another few things thrown into the mix to keep me even more busy. Actually I think the personal stuff is what will keep me sane over the next few months. Just writing academically is exhausting and I occasionally need to write something just for myself. Not unlike how some people just need to be able and have a bit of a cry once in a while. How perfect was that metaphor? Not at all? Oh well, I think the small conversation with myself forces the point that it is 5:15 and the sun will be coming up soon. Bed time!

 

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